"You are the sexiest woman in this room", he says.

"Why don't you buy the sexiest woman and her friends a round of drinks", she says.

Well, I'm back from the world of Los Angeles, feeling slightly deflated and bored with my familiar surroundings. It usually takes me a few days to re-adjust upon returning from a place such as the fantasy world that is LA. As I was grocery shopping yesterday, I was even 'acting' LA...whatever that means.... but for anyone who is familiar with the energy and 'tude that comes along with it, you know what I speak of.

I will have some pictures soon... just as soon as my girls [hussies] email them to me. I left my camera at home because it's a big, 35mm beast and I didn't want to have to lug it around with me and look like I was a stalkarazzi the whole time. Or a European tourist. Whichever.

For my fellow shoe whores, I did purchase these during my visit. On sale BIG TIME, otherwise I would not have been able to swallow the idea of spending over $200... I wore them on Saturday night with fishnets and I was about 6'3 in them. They're pretty shiny & sweet. I'm going to sleep with them on, I think.

The weather was lovely, of course, and there were some celebrity sightings. But none better than the people we have the priviledge of hanging out with Friday and Saturday night. Those being the cast and crew of MadTV. My friend of like FOREVER AGO, is part of the cast and the entire purpose of the visit was to be a part of the show's final taping for the season and attend the wrap party. Good times, good times. I rarely stay up past 10:30 at home so crawling into bed at 5:00 am and then giggling with my friend, who came out with me from home, for 30 minutes until we finally drifted off, was quite invigorating! Well, that is, until I had to wake up 2 hours later to catch my cab to the airport. My friend stayed behind for a few extra days, so I was the unfortunate soul who had MAYBE 47 minutes of actual sleep during that time and who had to stumble out of bed and make herself at least presentable for a cross country flight. I was so tired by mid-day that I wasn't even tired anymore.

Thank goodness for first class seats and complimentary alcohol. AND, thank goodness for having Time magazine in my carry on. As soon as I sat down, a nice looking young man, who I later found out was Australian [even better] sat next to me and the last thing I wanted to be doing was reading the smut mags that were lurking in my purse with Britney Spears' shaved head drama on the cover. So, I read about abortion and politics instead, in an effort to try to fit in with the caliber of people who surrounded me in the front cabin.

What was really cool and classy was when I finally drifted off to sleep for a bit and was woken up by my heavy head flopping forward. Upon wiping off the little bit of drool that had snuck out, I rested my head back against the seat, though could not really bring myself to fully fall asleep, in fear of startling myself again. Another cool moment was when I couldn't pull out my table during my meal because of my weakness from being so exhausted [let the record show that the tables come out of the arms in the first class cabin, they don't just flop down from the back of the seat in front of you like in the "common folk" cabin]. I had no place to put my chewed gum, so I stuck it on the side of my water glass like a 6 year old would do. Yeah, that's right. I wasn't done chewing it and wanted it for when I was done eating because it was my last piece. I dropped crumbs on my lap while eating.. a couple of times. And I dropped my fork approximatly three times. The final time being on the floor where I couldn't lean forward to get it because of my table. And it's probably a good thing, because without even thinking about it, I might have picked it up off the dirty floor and used it without flinching because that's just how I roll.

I don't know that I'm really first class material.

On a completely different note, I would like to make a correction concerning my previous post about the bag o' vomit. When my mother's husband was en route to return to the side of the road to pick up the mystery bag, my mother did not, in fact, say "what if it's a bag with a body part in it." What she actually said was, "what if it's a bag of dead kittens".

She's a sick woman, my mom. That is quite possibly even more wrong than the act of actually opening up a bag that one has found on the side of a quiet road in the first place.

Anywhoo, Asherbelle regrets this error and apologizes for the misquote.

Carry on.

I'm back... and armed with something gross.

Have no fear, the elusive blogger is here! And alive! Though... a bit blurry.

I appreciate the emails I received from some of my loyal readers inquiring as to whether I had drifted away into oblivion, or perhaps I had won the lottery and ran away to live in a hut made of stucco and beer somewhere along the shores of Mexico, or maybe I was bundled up in the corner rocking back and forth while grasping at my ankles.

Well, none of the above. Pretty boring, really. I know. Time just seems to be..... slipping away faster than I can grab it and hang on to it.

And who [or what] is the elusive one here? Perhaps I am, but time is the bigger perpetrator, I say.

And now that I am actually posting something.... I have to leave again! I'm heading out for a few days to the other side of the country. I leave tomorrow. But... rest assured... upon my return, I will have fabulous things to report to you all. And if I do not, I will SURELY fabricate wicked awesome stories and create pictures of these 'supposed' events in my photo program by super imposing myself onto a picture of me arm and arm with a celebrity or something. I might not even have to do that. Because... I might just already have said photo saved on my desktop.... me and a certain Mr. Depp at a movie premier from a couple of years back.

However, I will leave you with a little story to get you through. Of course, you have survived the last month without a blog entry from me... I imagine you'll get by these next few days. But, just in case you need something from me.... here you go:


Picture This:

My mother and her husband are driving along one day. It's daylight. Things are clear. Lovely. Vivid.

There is a smooshed brown bag on the side of the road. They see it as they zip past it.

husband "Hey! Did you see that bag?"
my mom, "Yes."
husband, "We should go see what's in it!"
my mom, "That's okay."
husband, "but it could be money! A bag of money!"
my mom, "That someone just tossed out of the window?"
husband, "Well, you never know."
my mom, "it might be a body part."
husband, "Cool!"


My mom's husband turns the car around somewhere in the midst of this conversation and goes back to the bag and slowly the car comes to a halt, with the bag just a few feet away. Visions of being able to roll around on a bed of money start to fly around within his imagination.

There was excitment in the air! Well, in the air that surrounded my mother's husband. My mother was very hesitant, understandably so, to play along.

He grabs the bag, which is crumpled, but nicely folded at the top.... obviously to seal in the goods.

Nobody is around. Thankfully, my mother is probably thinking to herself.

He puts the brown paper bag in the back seat and drives on. A couple of miles or so up the road, it is time to check out its contents. He has already begun to think of all the ways he can spend the money he is about to uncover! My mother continues to knit in the front seat. She really doesn't care much about this mysterious bag o' who-knows-what that lies on the backseat.

He pulls the car off to the side of the road, as my mother has refused to grab the bag and open it up herself, so she has passed the exciting treat of opening up the bag over to her husband.


My mother side glances his way.... for she has become just slighly curious. Though, probably more for what he will do when he realizes that there is not money in that bag. She surely believes that there is not freedom within the folds of that paper bag.... nor is there a pile of diamonds, rubies, or sapphires.

As he carefully unfolds the tops of the bag... his facial expression shifts from curiosity and excitment to something a little more horrific.

There is vomit in the bag.

Vomit.

Someone else's vomit that is now in the front seat of my mother's car... thankfully, still contained in the bag, at least. He threw the bag out of the window.... just as it had been thrown, most likely, sometime earlier that day.

No diamonds...no rubies... no money... no gold inside that bag... but rather just a story to tell. A story with a moral attached to it. That moral, of course, being... don't be picking up bags along the side of the road and expect to find much more than vomit. And that would be lucky, really. At least there really wasn't a body part in it.

I mean, can you imagine? GROSS!